(above: Forever by wszystkojedno) Now for the third and final installment of Toxic Friends. Evaluate your friendships honestly and decide for yourself what each relationship is worth.
The Fake: More than anything else, a friend who is a fake is overall irritating. This type of friend changes herself according to her environment and the people she's around. It's natural for people to play roles and adapt to differing settings---it's normal to act differently at a party than you would in the classroom, or around stranger as opposed to close friends and family. But this friend takes such adaptations to a new level. And for the most part, the changes she flips on and off are entirely shallow. At the heart of this friend's fake-ness is a desire to impress others. She may lie about who she is to impress other girls she wants to be friends with. And she may change herself entirely to suit a certain boy she has a crush on. For example: If she's crushing on a country boy, she may all of the sudden claim to be a "country girl" herself. And not even two weeks later, she has her eyes on a city-slicker and tells everyone that she's a "city girl" at heart. She may fake everything from her personality to her religious views to her career goals. It just depends on who she wants to impress at the moment.
How to Deal: The hardest part about having this type of friend is that you are often the only one who can see through her many masks. You know her true personality, her true interests, her true beliefs, and her true goals---the core things that never change. In the long run, your friend is only hurting herself by this fake behavior. By not being herself 100% of the time, she is compromising honest relationships. Even worse, she may lose sight of who she truly is because she might even start to believe the lies she tells herself. Unless your friend does deliberate fake things to hurt you, this friendship is probably more annoying to you than destructive. Consider her behavior. If it's little things like pretending to be a sports fan to impress a boy... it's probably not that serious. We've all wanted to impress a boy, have we not? It gets a little more dicey if your friend pretends about major things like: her religion, her education, her job, etc. First, remind your friend of how great a person she really is. Maybe she is insecure and can't feel like she can be herself. Let her know that she is interesting and fun. If she continues to lie, kindly confront her about it. Word of advice, though... don't confront her in front of others. Have a one-on-one conversation to save her the embarrassment of being accused of lying in front of friends, co-workers, or a crush.
The Big Spender: This friend is all about the big bucks. And if it's not expensive, she's not interested. When you go shopping with her, she only wants to shop at the high end places. She crinkles her nose up in disgust when she sees you browsing the clearance rack. When you go out to eat, only the best fancy restaurants will do. And while you don't mind splurging once in a while, you personally can't afford to keep up with your friend's extravagant spending habits. Worst of all, when you hint at the fact that you're a poor college student with tuition and books to pay for and that money doesn't grow on trees... she simply doesn't understand or chooses to ignore your complaint.
How to Deal: Don't let this friend empty your wallet. As if the economy isn't taking enough of a toll, it's difficult to be a college student these days. Have a sincere talk with your friend about how you simply cannot afford to buy clothes from certain stores or eat out at certain places all of the time. Try to compromise with her. Suggest things to do that are fun but affordable---whether that be eating at more casual restaurants, going out to movies or bowling instead of expensive clubs, or even having a girls' night at home every once in a while. If she truly enjoys your company, she'll be willing to do other things with you. If the money is more important to her, graciously turn down her invitation each time she invites you out on one of her expensive exploits. Consider wisely before accepting any offer from her to pay for your dinner or drinks. She may hang that over your head in the future or expect you to pay her back or cover her pricey meal next time. Be thrifty with your hard-earned money and splurge only when you're comfortable with it and can afford it.
The Risk Taker: This friend can be dangerous to your health by getting you to join in on risky behavior. Excessive drinking, drug use, drinking and driving, engaging in perilous sexual situations---if any of these describe things that your friend has jotted on her "to-do" list, you may have a risk taker on your hands. Not only are these and other hazardous actions putting your friend's health at risk... but you're endangering yourself if you choose to be around her or join in with her.
How to Deal: The most important thing is you: your health, your mind, your well-being. If you want to continue this friendship, be cautious. Stand your ground and don't let this friend pressure you into drinking more than you should, using drugs, or other dangerous situations. Also, be careful that by abstaining you don't simply become your friend's babysitter. If your friend isn't satisfied with engaging in more low-key, safe, healthy activities, you should highly reconsider the friendship. You should be your own first priority.
The Sunny-Day Friend: This is the friend who only comes around when it's good for her. She comes and goes as she pleases and respects no commitment in the friendship. She can easily be described as flaky. She loves to be your friend when things are going well, but as soon as you really need her for some support---she splits. And then you're left with nobody to turn to. You may have noticed that she doesn't seem to discriminate with friends and this behavior. Her other friends probably have this same problem. While she's a great person to hang out with and have fun with, it's difficult to develop an intimate friendship with her because she always disappears when things get rough in her or your life.
How to Deal: This friendship isn't highly toxic to you. You may just have to settle for less from this friend. If you truly desire to have a closer friendship with her so that you two can confide in each other and be there for each other in good times and in bad... then sit down and bring up your concerns. If she understands and recognizes her pattern of running off, and if she really wants to change... she'll work harder at being there for you and at opening up to you. If she seems to disappear after you confront her, she probably doesn't want to change, doesn't understand, or is simply following her usual behavior. If you're okay with being casual friends rather than close ones, everything will probably work out just fine. You'll just have to turn to other more reliable friends in time of emotional need.
Amore.
